Shadows
by EndlessMemories
Summary: Don't judge me. My life was full of grey areas; nothing was black and white- a clear version of right and wrong. I tried to do the best with the hand I was given, the potion ingredients I ended up with...
1. The Playground

**Shadows. **

**--**

Don't judge me. Not until you have heard the whole story. My life was full of grey areas; nothing was black and white- a clear version of right and wrong. I tried to do the best with the hand I was given- the potion ingredients I ended up with.

You try growing up with a father who hated what you and your mother were, and with a mother who was too cowardly to leave him. She was always afraid. Afraid when she met him he would leave her if he knew what she really was, afraid of her family because of who she had fallen in love with... always afraid.

I hated him. When he found out what my mother was, he thought she was possessed- demons or a deal with the devil. He had too much pride to divorce her, so instead he decided to punish her- try to beat it out of her or whatever crazed idea his tiny brain came up with. She never fought back.

I hated that hole of a house I was forced to live in. All of the windows were boarded up so no one could see in, but that meant we couldn't see out either. It was a cage where I learned to hate muggles as small minded beings with no talents or imagination who could not and would not understand us

But then… I met her. Even at nine years old she was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. As often as I could I would walk to that playground where I first saw her. It was my only escape from that house- a place where I'd had the only happy memory I can remember…

_It was a rainy day, Father had come back late at night from the bar he frequented and had passed out on the couch in the living room. Despicable._

_His hangover would last most of the morning and into the afternoon, so Mother took the liberty to escape outdoors with me. We went to the playground where no one else would be due to the rain which had just started falling. Usually people go inside when it rains, retreating to the depths of their homes, but not us. We went outside, trying to experience the world we were missing. While others had their comfort and their lives to return to, we were trying to find ours._

_I ran to the swings, laughing eagerly in the rain. She smiled and slowly made her way over to me. She tripped a few times over her baggy jeans she always wore to conceal her bruises, and how thin she was becoming._

_"Hold tight!" She whispered, as she gave the swing a shove and started pushing me. I let out an excited shout of laughter, and she laughed too. It was the first and only time I would ever hear her laugh._

_After a while, she grew tired and had to sit down so I went to play in the sand, and tried to make her laugh again._

_But as things go for us, our happiness could never last. Just as the rain began to let up and the mist settled in, Father came stumbling along the path. He stopped dead when he saw us and stood there at the end of the dirt road, glaring daggers at her and not saying a word._

_She jumped up from the swing she was sitting on and hurried to my side. "Get up Sev. Now." She murmured hurriedly and began to drag me by my sleeve._

_I wasn't afraid of him like she was and so I resisted as much as I could. I struggled against her, but she had that wild look in her eyes and she pulled me right along side of her. Still being led by one arm, we approached Father on the path. He was standing there, still as stone, watching us._

_She refused to look up at him as we neared where he stood, but not I. I couldn't help but stare into his black, glinting eyes. I could tell he was getting aggravated as I continued to look up at him, but I did not back down._

_He became so angry at the lack of fear and respect I showed him to the point where, as Mother and I passed where he was standing, he raised his left arm and struck me across the face._

_As his arm made contact with my skin, a pulse of anger coursed through me that I was unfamiliar with and he yelped, having received a shock from touching me and pulled his hand away. I tumbled backwards from the blow, tearing my arm out of Mother's grip and fell onto the damp dirt path. Father examined his hand, snarling at me all the while._

_I slowly got to my feet, surprised by the fear in his eyes. I glanced at Mother, who was standing just ahead of us, unsure of what to do. By the time I returned my gaze to Father, the fear had disappeared only to be replaced by the cold, hard malice he ruled his life by._

_"You will pay for that boy," he spat. "Get back to the house. I will deal with your disrespect there."_

_Mother gave me no time to reply. She grabbed my arm again and half ran; half dragged me back to our shell of a house. Once inside, she slammed the door shut and leaned against it, trying to buy time before Father made his way back._

_"Quick," she said, straining to hear if anyone was approaching. "Hide somewhere, anywhere. And whatever you do, do not come out until I call for you. I will not let him hurt you. Go! Now!"_

_I turned from her and ran back into the depths of the house. The nearest room I came to was a bathroom and I quickly closed the door behind me. Looking around for a place to hide, I ran to the sink and opened the cabinet underneath. It was empty save for a few extra supplies which I hurriedly pushed them to a corner and climbed inside. Even at eight years old I was small for my age, but it was still a tight fit. If I had been any bigger I could not have stayed hidden in there for so long._

_The darkness that surrounded me once I closed the doors was frightening at first, but I was used to darkness. I stayed confined there with nothing but the spiders for company and began to think back on the events of the day. My thoughts immediately returned to the anger I had felt, the energy that had coursed through me. Had I actually done magic? What else could have caused that fear to briefly appear in Father's eyes… I smiled to myself, happy that my first act of magic had been in retaliation to Father. I fought back._

_I don't know how long I crouched in the small cabinet, but it was well past sunset when Mother finally called through the house for me._

_I climbed stiffly out of the cabinet and almost fell over as my legs tried to support my weight. I opened the bathroom door hesitantly, and stepped into the hallway. Mother came around the corner from the living room and pulled me into a hug. Her face was tear-streaked and her clothes had been torn._

_"Sev." She breathed. "Sev." She breathed. "If he ever tries to hurt you again..."  
"Shhh… it's okay Mom, really."  
"No sweetheart, it is not okay. He has no reason to try to hurt you, and I will not let him harm you ever again. I promise." _

__

After that night, Father never touched or spoke to me again. He never even looked at me. It was like I had ceased to exist to him anymore. I didn't mind though. I liked being left to myself. I was free to do whatever I wished during the days, though as soon as it was dusk, I had to be home. Mother was afraid of the dark and what it could bring. Her mind was fragile so I followed her wishes. I never wanted to give her cause to worry: to come home and see that frantic look in her eyes.

I spent most of my days at the playground where it all began. I stayed in the shadows, behind the surrounding bushes. I had seen first hand how muggles treated us, and I did not want to interact with them, play on the swings or participate in trivial muggle play. I only wanted to be outside, away from the house, to escape the darkness that encroached on my life.

Little did I know the playground was not finished altering the course of my life.

--

**AN: phew! In case you didn't pick up on it, this is a story about Severus Snape's life, and the italics was flashback memory. I plan to take this story all the way through his life, and I just want to get an idea on the first chapter so far... see what I need to work on, what everyone thinks. So let me know and I'll do my best to get chapter two up within the next two weeks! **


	2. First Sight

**AN: Just to let you guys know, I changed the ending to the first chapter around so that it fits the cannon better. After rereading The Prince's Tale in DH I realized that Severus' dad doesn't die that early on in his life. So neither parent dies at the time, instead his dad acts as though he doesn't exsist anymore based on how his mom threatened him to never hurt Severus again... or else. **

**So yeah, that's the major plot change so far. Oh, and this chapter was really hard to pull together and I don't like it very much, but don't worry the story will get better! (and so will my writing). **

**ps. The scene at the end is taken from DH, I only changed the perspective to Sev's and all rights belong to JK Rowling! =) **

_Chapter two: First sight_

The icy morning air of February stung at my face as I ran down the all too familiar pathway that led to the playground. I needed to get away, away from their constant yelling. Away from the abuse and images of that sickening color Mother's cheek had turned to this morning.

I stumbled down the path, falling and scraping the palms of my hands, but I didn't care. It didn't hinder me. I had to just keep moving, to keep distancing myself further from the horrors of home.

When I neared the end of the path, I slowed down so that I wouldn't be seen by the muggles who were already enjoying their Sunday morning. I collapsed in the shadows behind a hedge of bushes that surrounded a few edges of the playground and tried to regain my composure. I looked through the hedge at what I could see and realized I had a pretty good view of the area.

In front of me, playing in the sand box were two boys who appeared to be attempting to discover just how much sand a yellow-square-box looking thing with big-round-circles at the bottom could move from one place to another before it fell over. The smaller of the two boys was dumping sand all over the box, and himself, when a flash of red from the very edge of the playground caught my eye.

I shifted in my spot to get a better look from behind the leaves, lost my balance and toppled over. The two boys looked up from their play, puzzled by the noise, but soon shrugged it off and went back to trying to roll the box along the sand. I steadied myself and looked back to where I'd noticed that flash of color.

My eyes focused on a family of four who were making their way towards the swings. I glanced at the mother, who was smiling as she led a skinny, brown haired girl towards the swings. What had caught my attention however, was the little red headed girl who was tugging at her dad's arm and jabbering away.

"Daddy, will you push me? Oh I'm so excited! Come on Tuney!" She giggled, grabbing the other child's hand and breaking off in a run towards the swings.

Surprised, _Tuney_ stumbled to find her footing, and tried to pull her arm away. When she proved unsuccessful, she cried, "Lily! Slow down, I don't want to run!"

Lily slowed to a stop and let Tuney go. She looked back to where her parents were and yelled, "Come on you guys!"

Her father smiled and said, "We're coming honey, go on."

Lily grinned back and turned to run the remaining distance to the swings. Tuney frowned after her sister until her mom came up behind her and led her to the swing next to where Lily was already eagerly climbing on and beginning to swing back and forth on her own.

I'm not sure exactly what kept me glued to watching this muggle family for the remainder of the day. They did nothing unusual from every one else, but there was something about the way that little redhead girl moved, talked… smiled that I couldn't get out of my head.

Trying to go to sleep that night all I could think of was her name. Lily… I liked the way it sounded. It didn't make sense to me, but I knew that I wanted to see her again, and that night I dreamed of her face.

I returned to the playground the next morning, hoping that she would come back, but I had no luck. After that day, the playground became part of my daily routine. I returned as often as I could for a small amount of time each day, hoping to see the girl again.

I soon discovered that they came only on Sundays around two o'clock and stayed for a few hours. It wasn't until the first weekend in May that I finally understood what drew me so fiercely to Lily…

It was a bright Sunday afternoon and Lily was particularly energetic and excited to be outside again in the almost warm air. It had been raining for the past two weeks without stopping and today was the first day of sunshine we'd seen.

For the past ten minutes she'd been trying to convince Petunia to see who could jump the furthest off the swings. Petunia was as reluctant and prim as ever as she didn't want to soil her new brown skirt. As to why a girl would ever wear a skirt to a playground, I would never understand.

"Fine, I'll play by myself." Lily said, throwing her hands up in the air and marching over to the swings. "You're just being a chicken."

Petunia glared after Lily, shook back her hair and walked determinedly to the swing next to her sister and climbed on. "I am not a chicken, Lily! Don't call me that!"

Lily shrugged and said, "Okay. Ready, set, go!"

They both started swinging as hard as they could, and when they reached as high as they could go Lily called, "Ready?"

"Okay." Petunia replied a little shakily.

"On three then. One. Two. Three!"

Petunia slid off the end of her swing and landed triumphantly on her feet. Grinning, she turned to where Lily should have landed; only Lily wasn't there.

Lily had let go of the swing at the same time as Petunia, only instead of gravity immediately pulling her towards the ground, she had launched herself into the sky and almost practically flown through the air to the very edge of the asphalt and landed lightly on her toes.

"Whoa! Mum! Dad! Did you see that?" Lily called to her parents, as she ran over to where they were sitting at a picnic table nearby.

Petunia, after locating Lily, ran over to her family demanding in a loud voice, "Lily, how did you do that?"

"I'm not sure." Lily blushed. "I was just feeling really happy and excited and it just… happened. Cool, huh?"

"Honey I'm not sure you should do that in public again. People are staring and it's just not… normal." Her mother said quietly.

"Oh, let them look!" Her father interrupted. "Our daughter can practically fly! Hey Lily, do you think you can do that again?"

"I'm not sure. I'll try though." Lily said as she turned and ran back towards the swings.

She pumped back and forth for a while, gaining height and momentum until she reached the peak. With a look of determination in her eyes, she let go of the swing, arched in the air and crumpled to the ground. She regained her composure and straightened up with a confused look on her face which remained as she made her way back over to where her parents and sister were watching.

"I guess it was just a one time thing then." Lily said, looking disappointed.

"It's for the best sweetheart." Her mother said softly, "Besides I don't think you girls should be jumping off the swings anyway. It's not safe and you could get hurt, okay?"

"Yes mum." Lily and Petunia replied.

Their father stood up and put his arm around his daughters saying, "Alright who wants hot cocoa?"

"Yay!!" The girls exclaimed, grabbing their father's hand and starting off towards their home. I watched them leave, understanding and realization hitting me. _That's_ what drew me to this muggle family, this muggle child. She wasn't a muggle at all.

Excitement filled me as I imagined telling her about what she really was, explaining to her just how special she is… I would have to wait until the perfect moment, when her parents weren't watching. Hopefully her annoying sister wouldn't be there either, though I doubt Lily would come to the playground by herself. Maybe I could distract her… but no. I would probably end up scaring her if she was by herself. Goodness knows I don't look very pleasant, with my baggy clothes and pale skin from being inside most of the day. No, I would have to talk to her when she was the most likely to listen…

And then, the perfect moment presented itself to me. I knew I would never get another chance to reveal to Lily the truth about herself, at least not one like this…

It was July 14th, Lily and Petunia had been coming to the playground regularly during the summer and today was no different. The girls were swinging and chatting to each other, until Lily started climbing higher and higher than Petunia in her swing.

"Lily, don't do it!" shrieked Petunia.

But Lily wasn't listening, she had already let go of the swing at the very height of its arc and flown into the air, just as she had done not three months earlier. She soared through the air, staying up far too long and landing far too lightly.

"Mummy told you not to!" Petunia stopped her swing by dragging her heels of her sandals on the ground, making a crunching, grinding sound, then leapt up, hands on hips. "Mummy said you weren't allowed, Lily!"

"But I'm fine," said Lily, still giggling. "Tuney, look at this. Watch what I can do."

Petunia glanced around. The playground was deserted apart from us. Lily had picked up a fallen flower from the bush behind where I was watching. Petunia advanced, evidently torn between curiosity and disapproval. Lily waited until Petunia was near enough to have a clear view, then held out her palm. The flower sat there, opening and closing its petals, like some bizarre, many-lipped oyster.

"Stop it!" shrieked Petunia.

"It's not hurting you," said Lily, but she closed her hand on the blossom and threw it back to the ground.

"It's not right," said Petunia, but her eyes had followed the flower's flight to the ground and were still lingering upon it. "How do you do it?" she added, and there was a definite longing in her voice.

I couldn't wait any longer. There would never be another moment like this one. Not after she'd just displayed an amount of magic like that. It was almost as if she could control it herself, without a wand or any training… What a powerful witch she is going to be! Excitement and nervousness filled me as I knew this was the moment I'd been waiting for, my chance to finally reveal the glorious truth to Lily.

I jumped out from behind the bushes and said, "It's obvious, isn't it?"

Petunia shrieked and ran backward toward the swings, but Lily, though clearly startled, remained where she was. I immediately regretted my appearance, realizing just how ridiculous I must look in my attempt at muggles clothes and how hopeless this whole endeavor was. What a foolish dream I'd allowed myself to entertain.

"What's obvious?" asked Lily. She wasn't running. I couldn't believe it. She was talking to me! I glanced over towards her sister who was now hovering besides the swings and lowered my voice. "I know what you are."

"What do you mean?"

"You're… you're a witch." I whispered.

Lily pulled away from me and looked angry. "That's not a very nice thing to say to somebody!" She turned, nose in the air, and marched off toward her sister.

"No!" I called after her. I was shocked; I didn't expect her to misunderstand me so, to take it as if I'd insulted her. I moved towards the girls, not wanting to let it end here.

They both looked at me with disapproval, both holding on to one of the swing poles as though it was the safe place in tag.

"You are." I said to Lily. "You are a witch. I've been watching you for a while. But there's nothing wrong with that. My mum's one and I'm a wizard."

Petunia laughed a horribly shrill, high sound.

"Wizard!" she shrieked. "I know who you are. You're the Snape boy! They live down Spinner's End by the river." She told Lily. "Why have you been spying on us?"

"Haven't been spying," I said, becoming uncomfortable in the heat of the sunlight. "Wouldn't spy on you, anyway. You're a Muggle."

"Lily, come on, we're leaving!" she said shrilly.

Lily obeyed her sister at once, glaring at me as she left. I watched them as they marched through the playground gate, horrified and embarrassed at how wrong this had all gone… Would she ever talk to me again? Be able to look at me? I had to figure out some way to get her back, to make her understand how brilliant, how amazingly special she is… I had to try again, it just could not end like this.


	3. The Beginning of a Friendship

Weeks later, I'd lost all hope of seeing or talking to Lily again as she and her sister never came back to the playground anymore. My days turned bleak, it was summer, but I didn't even notice the sun anymore.

Days ran together, and I no longer tried to escape from the house. This was my life and I had to accept it. It was foolish for me to keep trying to run away. No more pretending, no more foolish dreams. Then one day, when the sky and clouds matched m dark mood, I ventured back to the playground.

It was deserted, as most children kept inside avoiding the threatening rain. I examined the area from my usual spot behind the hedges, and decided I didn't want to hide anymore. I was through with my past foolishness. I leaped over the hedge and made my way to the set of swings closest to me. I slumped down, rocking the swings back and forth with my heels, starring morosely across the playground.

I closed my eyes and leaned against the chain holding up my swing, trying to push my hopelessness away. I don't know how long I sat there, drifting in between dreams and reality.

The wind must have picked up because the playground started creaking around me. First the gate, than the swing next to me… but wait, there is no wind today. What… what was that? My eyes flew open and I turned to my left to see what was making the noises.

Lily was sitting on the swing next to me, rocking back and forth on her toes, a tear spilling down her cheek. She was studying the ground in front of us and didn't even seem notice my movement. But then, unexpectedly she sniffed in and said, "I did it again."

I sat up, leaning towards her to hear better.

"This time Petunia and I were fighting over Mugsy."

"Mugsy?"

"Petunia's favorite stuffed penguin. She's had it since our parents took her home from the hospital. I just wanted to borrow him for a while, but Petunia wouldn't even let me touch him. And then, all of a sudden, he was in my arms instead of behind Petunia's back… I don't know how it happened. She… she got so angry. She called me a freak and ran away. I tried to go after her, but she wouldn't let me come near her… like she was afraid of me."

A sob escaped from her and she broke down into tears again. I sat there, watching her, trying to come up with something comforting to say.

"Muggles have a hard time understanding us. It scares them, what we can do and they treat us badly to make up for their fear. At least, that's why I think my Dad treats my Mum and I the way he does… and your sister with you. They're both afraid of the extraordinary, of magic."

"Magic." She interrupted, sniffing and wiping her tears away as she looked at me. "Is that really what this is?"

"Yes, and you are the most talented witch I've ever come across."

She smiled faintly. "Really?"

"Without a doubt." I said as I reached up and wiped away the solitary tear that was sliding down her cheek. Her eye brows furrowed and she looked away from me.

"It's getting dark; I better get home before Mum starts to worry." She whispered.

I nodded, realizing I had to be home too.

"Thank you." She said, looking up at me.

I couldn't let her leave, let it end here. I had to see her again. She turned to leave…

"Wait! Can… can I see you tomorrow?" I asked, embarrassed.

She hesitated, looking me over, and then finally, she smiled. "Alright. Here? Same time, same place?"

"I'll be here." I said, grinning for perhaps the first time in months.

She turned to leave, and I started heading back towards the dirt path, but then she turned around suddenly and called to me.

"Wait," she said. "I don't know your name."

"It's Severus. But don't call me that. Call me Sev."

"Sev it is then."

She smiled, and glanced over towards the gate, before she turned back to me saying, "I almost forgot. My name is Lily. Lily Evans."

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

And that was the beginning. The beginning of how the course of my life was changed forever. In Lily Evans I found goodness and love for the first time. From her I learned the biggest lesson only experience could teach: how to love, and how to loose.


End file.
